Breakaway reality hit Rap of China is returning on July 14* for its new season, and you know what that means. That’s right — it’s about time for us to reengage with our eternal flame, our radiant searchlight, our muse. It’s time for some Kris Wu content.
Kris’ already massive following grew to even greater heights last year after he became the meme du jour for his now-infamous line 有freestyle吗?, aka, “do you have freestyle?” Today we echo that same sentiment, in our definitive, unchallenged, and widely-anticipated list of Kris’ worst-ever freestyles, in ascending order of badness.
5. Selfie Freestyle
This is Kris’ least bad freestyle — what might also be called his best freestyle. We do question it though. As Kris performs for what we can only assume is a Xiaomi 5S variable zoom lens, in an unidentifiable room with no witnesses, we wonder how many takes of this freestyle were recorded before one was deemed acceptable.
The bars: Spontaneously coming up with a freestyle / I know you’re really looking forward to it / the outcome isn’t what you expected / just casually change the topic / just like historical records / I’ve just begun to totally overthrow y’all / this is my territory / life is like a competition / keyboard warriors, please don’t get so worked up
Continuing with our keyboard-wielding bullying, we have:
4. Xiaomi Smartphone Freestyle
Now this is real rap right here. This is raw, unadulterated street knowledge, hip hop poetry at its finest. It’s Kris rapping about Xiaomi smartphones at a Xiaomi smartphone conference, with Xiaomi president Lei Jun watching gleefully.
If there’s one thing we know about Kris, it’s that he sells shit. Actually, to be fair, this freestyle is pretty good. We also suspect that it’s at least somewhat scripted. Maybe we’re just haters.
The bars: Xiaomi Xiaomi Xiaomi Xiaomi / I say Xiaomi, you say six* / ay, today it’s hot / thanks for coming out here / Xiaomi has some new guests / Xiaomi 5S has a good reputation / variable zoom lens records your moments / it’s perfect and beautiful / record the moments / ay, ay, how much fun is that / endless happiness / do you deserve it? / do you think I’m pretty? / don’t ask me if I’m tired / let Lei Jun bring you on board / ay, when I speak you know / ay, Xiaomi smartphones are incredibly six
*six is a slang term for cool
3. Blonde-era Kris EXO Radio Freestyle
In case you weren’t aware, Kris rose to fame as part of K-pop boy band EXO. This is a crucial reason why his hip hop credentials have always been in question. Kris does admittedly rock it better here than any of his bandmates, switching between English and Korean (especially Luhan, who awkwardly passes the mic after two bars). Nonetheless, the EXO radio freestyle clocks in at third worst on our definitive list.
The bars: Yo, yo, check it out / MC Kris / here we go, uh / talk about Eureureong, our first album, uh / give it up for EXO / the word I want to say is Eureureong / it’s really a good song, you know? / you don’t know? / you need to know this / I’m lucky, I’m a lucky guy / I’m lucky because I have you in my life / because I have you I’m feeling really good
2. Korean Reality Show Freestyle
Nearing up on the end of our list here at number two, we have Kris freestyling on the Korean reality show, Showtime. Or, almost freestyling. The freestyle never really starts, to be honest. Kris — understandably — asks his bandmates to slow down their 122 beats-per-minute beatboxing (we measured it), and unfortunately fails to do anything but get clowned on. He asks which language he should use, and everyone agrees that he should use English. Kris gets confused and starts rapping in Korean, much to the amusement of his Korean bandmates. But yeah, this freestyle’s not good.
The bars: It’s too fast / oh, yeah, here we go / which language should I use? / [band: isn’t English easiest?] / ok yeah let’s use English / oh yeah, now we’re going slow / today’s “showtime” / here I am / [band: is this English?]
1. Shaanxi Noodle Pavilion Freestyle
You guys earned this. It’s the moment you’ve been waiting for. The uncontested, most cringeworthy Kris Wu freestyle of all time. It’s at the Shaanxi Noodle Pavilion.
Goddamn, Kris’ squad is really f*cking him up. First we had the “please slow down” beatboxing on the Korean reality show, and now we have actor Neo Hou hitting poor Kris with these drum and bass rhythms. What starts as a playful suggestion to entertain noodle-eaters and daytime television watchers with some good ol’ hip hop freestyling, quickly escalates to a situation of genuine distress.
Watch the transition from fun to wide-eyed fear when the grinning woman at the table starts clapping along, locking Kris into a spiral of panic with no escape in sight. These bars are immortally bad, and we’ve rewatched the footage at least a hundred times in our efforts to fully soak them in.
The bars: Are you ready or not? / look at these noodles / they’re long and broad / just like this bowl / big and round / you came here to eat food / think the food’s tasty / I think it’s great / you came here to eat food / you’re as happy as me when I pull these noodles for you / hey hey hey
Wow. That was exhausting. But we did it. Kris Wu’s top five all-time worst freestyles, collected, ranked, and hung out to dry. We hope you enjoyed it as much as we did. Kris Wu Twitter army: don’t @ us. Work this out amongst yourselves.
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*We originally stated that Rap of China returns on July 15; it’s actually back on July 14.
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